This article was originally published in three parts on the Geeks Out site in 2016. That’s been taken down, so I’m republishing it here so that the magic of Steelgrip Starkey may never be forgotten. It’s been edited and updated oh so slightly, mostly to combine the original three parts into one article.
In 1986, Marvel’s “Epic” line of creator-owned comics published Alan Weiss’s seminal masterpiece Steelgrip Starkey and the All-Purpose Power Tool, a six-issue limited series that is every bit as gay as you thought it was when you read that title a half a second ago. I don’t think the lovingly detailed portrayals of the muscled masculine form or the simmering sexual tension between the male leads was intentional…but I can’t swear it wasn’t. Either way, it’s worth a look, and since the series has never been collected or reprinted, I’ll just have to show it to you myself. Grab your tool and let’s go!
Our story starts with Miss Shari Barrett, who is of Filipino descent – this will be important momentarily – searching a construction site, looking for a man. Been there.
She stops to talk to the foreman, who is racist. This point is hammered home quite a bit, starting when he asks an Asian woman out for sushi and getting worse from there. The other guy talking is Flynn G. Ryan, aka “Flyin’ Ryan”. He’s a good guy – we know this because the racist guy throws him in a mud pit, then attacks him with a wrench for no particular reason. Shari fails to stop the attack, but our hero comes to the rescue!
Here’s our Adonis, looking all set to star in Bob the Builder: The XXX Gay Porn Parody. “They don’t call him Steelgrip fa nothin!”
Racist foreman fires Steelgrip and Ryan for not letting him murder them. I’m not sure that’s just cause, but New York is an “at-will employment” state. Shari’s got a better offer for them both, but before she can explain…
You may not have known this, but construction workers all specialize in one tool, each of which they are named after! It’s very convenient when you need to assign tasks in a hurry. Now Steelgrip and Ryan, please go see Stapler Susan in accounting to pick up your last paycheck. The security guard, Gun Gary, will walk you out.
You might assume that since the writer has taken pains to introduce Steelgrip’s construction worker pals and give them each a unique and memorable moniker that they will be important to the story. You would be mistaken.
Our protagonistic trio walk the streets of New York while Shari fills her new partners in on her back story. She has degrees in math and computers but was working as a humble secretary, fetching coffee and fielding unwanted sexual advances, when she met the other two recurring cast members of this series. The first is a mysterious old man, Mr. Pilgrim, as played by Quentin Crisp.
And his psychiatrist, Doctor Giant Rick James. Temptations sing! Pilgrim has invented the All-Purpose Power Tool using the advanced magic / science / handwave of “technalchemy”. He’s chosen Shari to be the programmer of the tool, and Steelgrip to be its operator.
All without uttering a word! Remember that for later. It won’t be important and it will never be explained. A mysterious plot point introduced as if it’s a major clue and then ignored? Lost fans, if you only read one comic this year…!
Ooh, gurrrl, you so crazy! There’s a famous artist that Weiss reminds me of whenever he’s drawing Steelgrip – you can see it in close-ups of his face, like here, and especially in his full body dramatic poses. Now let me see, who can it be…
Oh, right, erotic gay artist Tom of Finland! Anyway, Shari leads our hot and heavy duo to a vacant lot, where she promises a demonstration. She programs the tool, then tells Steelgrip to…uh, well, to…grab hold of the…uh…
Shari never said the tool needed to be straddled to operate, but whatever works for ya, Steelgrip. Try tickling the buttons!
The tool unfolds itself, forming a colossal machine out of thin air, building a one-twentieth scale replica of the Empire State Building in ten minutes (exactly what that vacant lot was screaming for), and then folding itself back into its toolbox. Shari explains that Mr. Pilgrim wants them to form “Star Key Enterprises,” putting themselves out to hire for corporations, and that he’ll front all costs for one year as part of an experiment to test the tool. Shari will program the tool, Steelgrip will operate it, and Ryan will do everything else.
Shari leads them to their new base of operations – a penthouse apartment on the top floor of the main branch of the New York Public Library! Because why not?
The green walls really complement the lavender carpet and white ceiling and blue bedspread and yellow and red furniture.
Mr. Pilgrim has hired Steelgrip partly because he fits the physical ideal of the American working man – seriously, he goes on and on about it, you’d almost think the writer old man had a fetish for construction workers or something. He’s even designed a special costume just for his special little guy!
“Rebel colors! The south shall rise again — and so shall I!” It’s certainly…snug. In aaaaalllll the right places.
Before too long they’ve got their first mission: a meteor is going to crash into Chicago, and they’ve got to use the tool to catch it! They board their private jet and head for the Windy City, where they’re greeted by a barrage of press and enthusiastic citizens. They haven’t even done a single job yet – Pilgrim’s got a great PR firm, I guess.
“And Ryan’s lady is back in New York. I mean, Canada. She lives in Canada. You wouldn’t know her.”
Also, “technotary”? Really? It sounds like a nickname that stuck when your three-year-old brother couldn’t pronounce “secretary.”
Turns out the meteor is going to miss the city of Chicago itself. Instead, it’s going to hit somewhere in the boonies. The trio hurry to save the non-fabulous.
Remember, if you’re too anxious, your tool might not work.
They land on a farm on the outskirts of Chicago. Steelgrip plants himself and gets ready to operate his tool.
Why isn’t every panel from this comic a meme? This pose can’t be accidental on the part of the artist. It just can’t. It happens too often. Anyway, they save the day, and in appreciation, the poor but kindhearted citizens of nowhere give Steelgrip a homemade apple pie as thanks.
Ryan is sleepy, glowing, and smoking a cigarette. The pie he’s talking about is NOT apple. No time to bask in the afterglow – an explosion rocks their secret public library headquarters. Terrorists are setting off bombs at the UN, planning to blast it into the East River! I’ve already gone into too much detail and we’re only on issue two, so let’s just take another look at Steelgrip using his tool…
Business as usual. The tool saves the UN and captures the terrorists. Hooray! Ryan uses a bunch of racist slurs to describe the terrorists, and the comic’s narrative doesn’t have a problem with this. Boo.
Steelgrip recovers from his bullet wounds in their luxurious library annex.
Look at Steelgrip, acting like he doesn’t care! What a brave little soldier. Don’t worry, Steelgrip. This is the second and final reference to Ryan’s mysterious girlfriend. She is never seen at all nor is she ever mentioned again. I don’t think you have much competition to worry about.
Steelgrip recounts Ryan’s history: he was a chopper pilot in Viet Nam. (Thus, “Flyin’” Ryan. Soldiers are named after their job, just like construction workers.) After being shot down and captured, he carved that “R” in his forehead as a sign of resistance (okay…), got rescued by Marines, spent seven years traveling in the East learning the mystic secrets of the Orient (no, seriously), and finally met Steelgrip on a construction site in 1980.
“Scotty Bell and his looney crew”, eh? Sounds like we’ll be hearing more about them! Oh, we won’t? Okay.
Steelgrip is once again dressing for the job he wants, which is 70s gay porn star. I mean, I love the outfit, it’s totally hot, and I’d be looking where Ryan’s looking too. But he’s working with a group of artists who are also construction workers, and he’s wearing the tightest outfit of any of them. He knows exactly what he’s doing.
So how would you describe your relationship with your new best friend, Steelgrip?
Master and…oh, come on, you’re making this too easy for me! Where would you say Ryan’s right hand is in this picture? I’m pretty sure it’s a few minutes after this that Mr. Starkey earned the name “Steelgrip” for the first time.
But enough of the past, time to live in the present! Get out of bed and back to work, Steelgrip!
Hello, Nurse! I once saw those exact shorts on a dancer at the Fairytale Lounge. Let’s move on. Doctor Giant Rick James arrives and gives them their next mission, involving cleaning up an oil spill and stopping Ecuador from being destroyed by an undersea earthquake.
I’m skipping that. It’s awesome but not particularly gay, beyond the mere presence of Steelgrip himself. Let’s look at another hot pic of tool-gripping action instead.
Hang on tight, we’re on to issue 3!
The Star Key team is propositioned by Globelock Industries, which doesn’t sound evil at all. They want to hire the trio and the tool for a construction job in the isolated village of Riverbend, Alaska.
LOOK OUT FOR THAT BEAR MISTER STERLING IT’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!! They have good taxidermists in Alaska. Really captured nature’s loathing for all human life. Even the reindeer looks pissed.
There’s lots of drama at the construction site, but whatever, Steelgrip gets the job done and goes to a gay bar. I mean, they don’t call it a gay bar, but…
Ryan stays out all night talking with local sculptor / crazy person Moosehead Murphy (no quotation marks, so I assume Moosehead is his given name). When Steelgrip wakes up, he’s obviously missing Ryan a whole hell of a lot…
…although maybe that’s his knee?
The tool is stolen from the hotel by persons unknown, as part of an extremely complicated plot involving Moosehead and a Native chief posing as a demon called a Tupsalik. The whole story is way too complicated to go into. “The white man is poisoning the land” is the gist of it. Steelgrip doesn’t care.
Moosehead Murphy has seriously overestimated Steelgrip Starkey’s concern for the plight of the indigenous peoples of Alaska.
The co-writer for this issue, by the way, is an “M. Murphy,” which has me desperately hoping that Steelgrip Starkey is based on a true story, as told to Alan Weiss by a white liberal Alaskan wilderness survivalist.
The kidnappers insist that Steelgrip show them how to operate the power tool so that they can destroy an evil dam that is evil. Steelgrip, to everyone’s surprise, agrees. But when Tupsalik grabs the shaft of Steelgrip’s tool…
Actually, it’s because the tool is programmed to only work for Steelgrip, but why give a logical explanation when a racist taunt will do? Enraged, Tupsalik attacks Steelgrip with a tomahawk and a wooden dildo!
No flared base? That’s asking for trouble. He doesn’t know Steelgrip if he thinks THAT little thing is going to scare him. The two fight pointlessly for a page or two, while Steelgrip’s shirt is ripped off piece by piece. I’m not complaining.
Steelgrip suddenly decides he does care about Native American affairs after all, and uses his tool to destroy the evil dam that is evil. Happy ending, apart from all the casual racism from the main cast. I spared you most of it, but it’s pretty painful. Lots of “noble savage” comments.
In fact, the series as a whole has far too many “all in good fun” racist comments from the lead trio. It’s gross, and “1986” isn’t an excuse.
If you can put that aside (and I don’t blame you if you can’t), let’s move on to issue four, where our heroes are accepting another job from Globelock Industries. I know, they’re so obviously evil, but Steelgrip has bills to pay. Poppers aren’t free.
The moon, huh? Hopefully a mission in space will steer this comic away from the pitfalls of more racist stereotyping. So who is mining the moon?
Oh dear. This doesn’t bode well at all. So these two survived whatever 80s Stallone movie they escaped from and have teamed up to mine some unknown substance from the moon, with the stated purpose of seeking revenge on the world superpowers. You’d think the US military would respond, or maybe the UN, but no. Globelock is taking charge, and they’re sending a private construction company to deal with it. I’d like to make a joke about how in the 80s private corporations could do whatever they wanted and the government would just roll over, but that would assume it isn’t still true today…
Ryan will be sitting out the moon launch. Instead, Mr. Pilgrim, their mysterious benefactor, is sending him and Dr. Sartorius on a secret mission to Bazililand. Ryan is far and away the most racist out of our fun-loving crew, so I’m sure his antics in Africa will be delightful.
Hmm…we haven’t had a double entendre in a while…
You and me both! Now how about a gratuitous shot of Steelgrip in his tighty reddies?
That’s the stuff! I’d feel more vital in contact with his power tool, too.
Steelgrip and Shari finish their training and bang, zoom, to the moon! They’re accompanied by two characters from a throwaway panel in issue one, “Drill Bit” Diaz and “Cutaway” Crabbe, because what this vital secret mission to space really needed was two more construction workers.
Meanwhile, in Uganda Bazililand, Ryan and Dr. Sartorius have infiltrated the palace of General Amin Kingu. Dr. Sartorius warns Ryan to be careful. In addition to being cruel and bloodthirsty beyond all reason, Kingu is devoted to the myths, deities, and rituals of his ancestors. Because…Africa, I guess?
Head-shrinking was strictly a South American thing, but whatever. Details!
Their plan involves… Well, you probably need to see it…
Ryan puts on a lion suit he had lying around to scare information out of the general. And it works, because non-white non-Americans criminals are a superstitious, cowardly lot. Turns out Globelock misunderstood their intel. The bad guys are mining the moon all right, but not in the sense of digging for ore. They’re planting mines on the lunar surface! What a comical misunderstanding! It’s like Three’s Company in space, but with even more gay jokes.
It’s all pointless, of course. There’s never any particular reason given for why these two teamed up to mine the moon. In both our world and the Starkeyverse (and oh, how I wish they were the same), nobody was doing anything up there anymore. They do it to “spread terror,” but it seems like they would have gotten a lot more terror out of their enormous space mines by planting them someplace with people.
Ryan’s warning gets to Steelgrip too late, rendering the whole racist furry thing pointless too, but the construction crew makes short work of the mines anyway, and the day is saved, I guess, even though there weren’t really any lives at risk. Hooray?
I haven’t mentioned it yet, but the inside front cover of every issue of this series features some stirring tribute to a famous piece of Americana. I bring it up now simply because we’re up to issue five, which features an image of the hottest version of folkloric steel-driving man John Henry that has ever existed.
This guy can drive his steel wherever he wants.
Ahem. But on to our story! Last time, Steelgrip and company made enemies of the sinister Globelock Inc. This time, Globelock has challenged Star Key Enterprises to an Around the World Super Construction Race! You know, a construction race. You’ve heard of those, right? Everybody loves a good construction race.
Steelgrip will be facing his equal and opposite number, an oil rig operator and part-time actor by the name of Ironarm Gantry.
Whoo! Dig those spiked leather bracelets! And the black clothes, and that chain… I do love the bad boys. Since Globelock doesn’t have access to the “technalchemy” that created the All-Purpose Power Tool, Gantry will be driving the Worldbeater, a modular construction vehicle. Watch out, Steelgrip! Ironarm looks like he might have a trick or two up his sleeve. Not that he’d wear sleeves and cover up those magnificent pythons.
Babyface! Flirting already, and the race hasn’t even started. I like where this is going.
The race gets underway, with both teams performing amazing feats of construction in countries all over the world. It’s mostly a bunch of pictures of the A.P.P.T. and the Worldbeater in action, like here, where the tool is helping out with a pesky but conveniently-timed volcanic eruption.
Steelgrip’s team pulls ahead in the race, and Ironarm Gantry does not take it well.
Pansy? Pansy?!? Oh, no you didn’t, you self-loathing closet queen! I take back everything nice I said about you. Except about the chain. I still like the chain.
Ironarm has a plan to take the lead…
He’s going to roofie him! Steelgrip, don’t swallow Gantry’s special mix! Not even if he says he loves you!
Ironarm’s plan works, sort of. Steelgrip is all loopy in the morning, but Shari slaps him awake. He’s still a little groggy, but…
I’ll feel better once you’re in contact with the tool, too.
Something that feels so right can’t be wrong! Steelgrip continues to crush the Globelock team in the race, and Ironarm snaps, seething with anger and resentment.
Steelgrip’s a nice guy, Ironarm. I’m sure he’d let you work his tool if you asked politely. Instead, Ironarm tries, and fails, to destroy the tool, then tries, and fails, to murder Steelgrip by running him over with the Worldbeater. Steelgrip jumps aboard to take control.
They’re not even trying to be subtle about it, are they? The source of power is the big phallic symbol between his legs, and the two dudes are wrestling for it. You don’t need to put a whole lot of effort into deconstructing this text.
Steelgrip wins the phallus-manhandling contest but Ironarm elbows him, knocking him to the ground. The Worldbeater drives off a cliff into the sea, taking Ironarm and all his 80s metal glory with it. So sad, what internalized homophobia can do to someone.
The next issue is, sadly, the last, but I have a good feeling about it, if for no other reason than that the cover is straight up techno-tentacle porn.
Steelgrip was greatly disturbed by Ironarm’s death, and demanded to meet Star Key Enterprises’s benefactor, Mr. Pilgrim, in person. Pilgrim comes to their secret library headquarters and spins a yarn about how wonderful Steelgrip had done wielding the tool and showing America a renewed vision of a can-do American working man hero.
Accompanied, of course, by some gratuitous beefcake shots of other can-do American working man heroes. Unfortunately, it’s all a ruse. That night, Steelgrip overhears Ryan and Dr. Sartorius talking with the actor they hired to play Pilgrim. Steelgrip is hurt and betrayed and wanders out into the night, feeling all alone in the world.
He’s never that alone, ladies. Ryan and Sartorius finally come clean with Steelgrip and Shari in a fairly long flashback sequence that’s completely bonkers. It turns out that Ryan is Pilgrim. He invented the power tool and the secret of “technalchemy” after years of meditation, achieving some sort of transcendence, and, to top it all off, being contacted by a group called the White Brotherhood, who are apparently a collection of spiritually enlightened men who fund Star Key Enterprises, and not, as one would assume, a neo-Nazi organization.
Steelgrip forgives Ryan, and a good thing too, as the Earth’s electromagnetic field is shifting and only the All-Purpose Power Tool can stop the resulting apocalypse! Hey, we haven’t had a gratuitous phallic shot yet this issue. Fix that, pronto!
Thanks. They save the Earth, of course, but let’s skip all that and get to the next job, which involves preventing a meltdown at a nuclear power plant. The reactor is too far gone, but Steelgrip stays until the last possible minute and beyond, trying to save it. However, his tool has something else in mind…
Get your mind out of the gutter, this isn’t hentai! Shari programmed a failsafe into the tool in order to save Steelgrip’s life. They have a really nice moment where Steelgrip thanks her. In all seriousness, I like Steelgrip and Shari’s relationship. There’s never the slightest hint of any romantic interest between them, which not only bolsters my argument that Steelgrip should be brought back to the mainstream Marvel universe as its first openly gay construction worker super-hero, but also gives us a strong platonic friendship between a man and a woman and avoids the cliché of an action story requiring a romantic element. (A heterosexual romantic element, that is. Steelgrip and Ryan’s love will burn for all eternity.)
And there, sadly, is where we leave Steelgrip and company. Which is a shame. Apart from the casual racism (and yes, I know, that’s a pretty massive qualifier), Steelgrip Starkey and the All-Purpose Power Tool is a fun series, and not just because of the truly astonishing level of homoeroticism. The A.P.P.T. is a clever conceit, and I honestly think a modern, slightly tongue-in-cheek take on the series would work. Think Damage Control, but gayer. But a reboot seems unlikely, so we’ll leave Steelgrip here, and remember him how he’d want to be remembered. Gripping his tool.
Steelgrip Starkey and the All-Purpose Power Tool
Issue One
Creator / Writer / Penciler: Alan Weiss
Inker: James Sherman
Colorist: Elaine Lee, Jeff Raum, James Sherman
Letterer: Kevin Nowlan
Issue Two
Creator / Writer / Penciler: Alan Weiss
Inker: James Sherman
Colorist: Elaine Lee
Letterer: Phil Felix
Issue Three
Creator / Writer: Alan Weiss
Co-Writer: M. Murphy
Artist: James Sherman
Colorist: Elaine Lee, Richard Case
Letterer: Phil Felix
Issue Four
Creator / Writer: Alan Weiss
Penciler: Val Mayerik
Inker: Sam DeLaRosa
Colorist: Petra Scotese
Letterer: Phil Felix
Issue Five
Creator / Writer: Alan Weiss
Penciler: Val Mayerik
Inker: Sam DeLaRosa
Colorist: Petra Scotese
Letterer: Jim Novak
Issue Six
Creator / Writer / Penciler: Alan Weiss
Inker: Josef Rubinstein
Colorist: Ross Garnet
Letterer: Phil Felix
