Last year, for nobody’s amusement but my own, I made a parody Twitter account purporting to tweet synopses of the 97 episodes of Doctor Who that have been erased from the BBC’s archives. Instead, I tweeted synopses of episodes that I made up entirely, allowing me to poke fun at the show I love so very, very much. (Too much, possibly.)
The account didn’t gain much traction, probably because I stopped updating it (although I did get a few amusing mentions from people who seemed to think I was an official Who account). In the spirit of my general move away from social media and back to this blog, here are all of those tweets to date (in story order, not the order I tweeted them). If for some reason you want to give this fake account a follow, it’s @WhoMissing – if enough people jump on, maybe I’ll start posting again!
The Rock Lords Part 2 – “Masters of Stone” (1963) The Doctor tricks Ian into falling off a cliff.
The Song of Melodia Part 2 – “Timpani of Terror” (1964) Barbara attracts the romantic attentions of the Melodians’ handsome maestro. Susan faints.
The Macedonians Part 2 – “Key Coiffure” (1965) Imprisoned in the dungeon by Philip, the travelers plan an escape using Barbara’s hair-do as a battering ram.
The Macedonians Part 5 – “Catamite Calamity” (1965) Vicki, disguised as a boy, catches the eye of Alexander.
Sweet Danger (1965) TARDIS takes Dr Who and his grandchildren John and Gillian to the planet of living pastries. When Gillian bites the head off a shortbread boy, John defends her by wiping out the entire civilization with a handy laser rifle.
The Daleks’ Master Plan Part 13 – “The Nightmare Continues” (1966) After Sara is aged to death, the Doctor and Steven flee the Daleks. New companion Beth joins the crew.
The Daleks’ Master Plan Part 14 – “Aftershock” (1966) Steven watches in horror as Beth is killed by the Daleks. New companion Eric joins the crew.
The Daleks’ Master Plan Part 15 – “Winds of Doom” (1966) Steven watches in horror as Eric is gunned down in 1930s Chicago. New companion Molly joins the crew.
The Daleks’ Master Plan Part 17 – “History Repeats Itself” (1966) Steven watches in horror as Eliza is vaporized by the Daleks. New companion Jerry joins the crew.
The Daleks’ Master Plan Part 19 – “Not That Button” (1966) Steven watches in horror as Katarina is sucked out of an airlock again. New companion Dirk joins the crew.
The Daleks’ Master Plan Part 20 – “Bubbles of Disaster” (1966) Steven watches in horror as Dirk is boiled in acid. New companion Kelly joins the crew.
The Daleks’ Master Plan Part 21 – “The Yeast of Steven” (1966) Steven watches in horror as Kelly is baked into a loaf of bread. New companion Tommy joins the crew.
The Lifeless Planet Part 1 – “Footfall of Doom” (1966) Dodo trips over an anthill, inadvertently wiping out an intelligent insect race.
The Weather Masters Part 3 (1966) Ben and Polly stall the Weatherians while the Doctor takes the week off.
The Twilight Beast Part 2 (1966) The evil Jotun refers to the Doctor as “Doctor Who,” but nobody makes a big deal out of it.
Curse of the Cybermen Part 3 (1966) Polly fends off the Cybermen with hydrofluoric acid she makes out of perfume. The Doctor finds a fun hat.
The Castle of Terror Part 3 (1967) The Doctor, Jamie, and Victoria escape through a maze of corridors, which don’t wobble at all, smartass.
The Castle of Terror Part 5 (1967) The Doctor and Jamie are captured by the Pale Green Robots. Victoria screams.
The Stealers of Smartness Part 2 (1968) Zoe is arrested for solving Fermat’s Last Theorem without a license.
The Absorbent Snowmen Part 3 (1970) The Doctor and Liz track the errant Yeti to a loo in Tooting Bec.
Evolution of Death Part 1 (1970) The Doctor meets a colony of friendly ape-people. The Brigadier kills them.
The Foibles of Myopia Part 1 (1971) Jo bumps into a wall.
Village of Darkness Part 2 (1972) The Master murders everyone in the village. The Doctor shares a bottle of expensive cognac with him.
The Perils of Paperwork Part 4 (1974) Captain Yates is court martialed for having a character arc prematurely.
More Mutants, More Problems Part 1 (1974) The Doctor takes Sarah Jane to another planet he first visited with Jo, and she pretends not to mind.
The Mandatory Sensitivity Training of Weng-Chiang Part 1 (1977) The Doctor makes some racist jokes and we’re just supposed to roll with it, I guess?
The Mandatory Sensitivity Training of Weng-Chiang Part 4 (1977) Leela sits the Doctor down to gently explain why him calling her “savage” bothers her. He cries and says he feels very attacked.
The Haze of Health and Safety Part 1 (1977) The TARDIS lands in a thick dark fog. Leela says something naïve yet terribly clever.
Horror of Prog Rock Part 1 (1977) The Doctor syncs the TARDIS up to “The Wizard of Oz” and it works surprisingly well. You can totally hear the dematerialization noise just as the witch is melting.
Horror of Prog Rock Part 2 (1977) Leela performs a fourteen-minute flute solo.
Terror of the Turgids Part 3 (1979) Romana finds the seventh segment of the Key to Time disguised as a cheap portable radio.
The Bleakness of Nihilism Part 1 (1980) The Doctor, Romana, Adric, and K-9 land on a planet of existential dread and foreboding music.
K9 and Company: “Midsommar” (1982) The villagers crown Sarah Jane as their May Queen. Things get hot for Brendan when he dons a bear suit.
K9 and Company: “The Wicker Man” (1982) Sarah Jane investigates a young girl’s disappearance. Things get hot for Brendan at the village May Day celebration.
Plague Day Part 4 (1982) Nyssa saves the Morvilles from destruction while the Doctor, Adric and Tegan argue bitterly about the weather.
Glamour of the Ganjites Part 1 (1983) Reunited with Tegan in Amsterdam, the Doctor and Nyssa take her for what they intend to be a fun holiday. Nobody mentions Adric.
The Inlay Annoy Part 3 (1983) The Doctor suspects that Mr Theaste may not be who he claims.
The Ensliming Part 1 (1984) The Doctor, Tegan, and Turlough are menaced by giant slugs. Kamelion stays in the TARDIS.
The Awkwardness Part 1 (1984) Following Tegan’s departure, the Doctor and Turlough eat breakfast together in silence. The Doctor doesn’t look up from his paper.
The Awkwardness Part 2 (1984) The Doctor cracks a joke about that time Turlough tried to murder him, but it just makes things weird.
The Awkwardness Part 3 (1984) The Doctor fakes an emergency landing just to give him and Turlough something to talk about. Kamelion stays in the TARDIS.
The Psychotic Solution Part 1 (1984) Peri criticizes the Doctor’s coat. He hits her in the head with a shovel.
Eye of the Fruitbat Part 2 (1985) Peri is turned into a fruitbat. The Doctor murders a guard.
The Failing Grade Part 1 (1985) On a brief hiatus from adventuring, the Doctor and Peri take the opportunity to indulge in some light character development.
The Trial of a Time Lord Part 15 (1986) A vital clue might prove the Doctor’s innocence, or confirm his guilt. It’s never mentioned again.
Death Department Part 1 (1987) Mel needs a megabyte modem so the Doctor takes her to the galaxy’s biggest department store.
Death Department Part 2 (1987) The Doctor and Mel find the store overrun by gangs of colorfully dressed post-apocalyptic shoppers.
The Perils of Perivale Part 1 (1989) The Doctor makes Ace relive the day her childhood dog got run over.
The Wilderness Years Part 1 (1993) The Doctor, Ace, and Benny do drugs and have sex and swear.
The Wilderness Years Part 2 (1993) Trapped in New Neo City, Benny must neurojack into the information megahighway to free the AnarchoPixelz from derezzing at the cyberhands of the TechnoPunx.
The Wilderness Years Part 4 (1993) A reunion with an old companion reveals her life after the TARDIS was one of misery and despair. The Doctor stands helplessly by as a sordid death comes for…I don’t know, let’s say, Polly?
Summer of Love (1996) The Doctor and Grace travel back to 1967 San Francisco and kiss.
Fever (1996) Grace tracks down patient zero of an alien plague threatening San Francisco, while the Doctor works on a cure. Then they kiss.
The Weaker Sex (1996) The Master takes over Grace’s body, but his deception is revealed when the Doctor kisses him.
Eggheads (1996) The Doctor discovers an evil plot at the heart of San Francisco’s chapter of Mensa. He kisses Grace.
The King is Back (1996) The Doctor and Grace save San Francisco from a race of evil alien Elvis impersonators. Then they kiss.
Wartorn (2005) The Doctor and Rose visit the trenches of World War I. A dying soldier mutters “bad wolf” but nobody hears him.
Smooth Cruelty (2005) Jack seduces an Auton but is disappointed with what he finds.
The Emotion Loop (2007) Martha stares at the Doctor and sighs. The Doctor stares at a picture of Rose and sighs.
Sanitation (2007) The Doctor digs out the truth at the heart of the planet of garbage. Martha meets the Quarks for some reason.
The Sarah Jane Adventures: “Drink Up, Sarah Jane Smith” (2008) The Trickster removes the kids from time and Sarah Jane takes one damn second to enjoy the quiet before saving them, and can you blame her?
Just Don’t (2013) The Doctor makes a comment about Clara’s sweater being tight, and it’s weird for everyone.
Fetish of the Man-Child (2011) Amy and River display hyper-competence while the Doctor and Rory fumble and bumble adorably. Later, Amy and River are in danger, and it’s up to the Doctor and Rory to save them.
Smell (2014) The Doctor and Clara realize there’s one surefire way to determine if the shape under the bedsheets is a malevolent alien or a small child. But do they have the stomach for it?
Cry Babies Cry (2018) A small but loud faction of humanity erupts in anger because the Doctor, Yaz, and Ryan exist. Graham’s fine for some reason.
Capitalism Is Good, Actually (2018) The Doctor, Yaz, Ryan, and Graham save the benevolent VoidLife Corporation from the evil workers’ strike.
The Establishment Doctors (2018) The Thirteenth Doctor meets the Third and they get along very, very well. Ryan expresses discomfort with the idea of UNIT in a moving monologue that has no impact on the plot. Yaz and Jo kiss.
